Whaaat's Wrroong? Whaaat Haaaapened?!

A lot of single, handsome young bucks have been asking me questions... Things like, "Jee Whiz Wolfgang, what's it like to be a dad"? AND - "Golly Jee Willikers Wolfie, Isn't that a lot of responsibility for an artist guy, painter man"? AND - "Well Gosh. Is your life, like, totally different now"? AND - "Wow mister! Sheesh. Well Jeepers, What's a typical day look like for you"? Okay, nobody really asked me anything...I don't see anybody anymore... In fact, I'm afraid to leave my house...I'm comfortable there. But I'll tell you what my typical day looks like... Do you know why I'll tell you what my typical day looks like? I'll tell you because I know you're just dying to find out, and mainly because I'm extremely bored. So here it goes.

I wake up at 2:30am with my wife, and while she's getting ready for work at her "5,170 hour a week" job, I take "Little Squeakers" to his bedroom and change his diaper. Then I try to get clothes on him. This takes until about 8:45 at night. I am the world's worst baby dresser. I can't ever get the buttons to line up right. The whole time he's screaming bloody murder and I'm trying to comfort him. "Whaaaaaat's Wroooooooooong? Whaaaaaaaaat Haaaaaaaaaaaaappppppened? You're okay, YOU'RE OKAY! Poppa's almost done! Poppa's almost done! POPPA'S ALMOST DONE! POPPA'S ALMOST DONE! POPPA'S ALMOST DONE! POPPA'S ALMOST DONE!!!! Anyway, Marisa usually comes in and asks me why XAVI isn't dressed and lets me know that she's going to be late for work if I don't HURRY UP. We end up having to drive 157 in a 35 mph zone, but we get her there on time. It's something like, 2 miles to her store. By this time XAVI has already pooed his Jockeys, so I have to go change him. I grab an Extremely overpriced cup of coffee and head home to let "the baby" take a nap.  When I grab the car seat, I see that XAVI not only has had a blowout, but his whole car seat is swimming, no, dripping, nay, sloshing- with booty juice orangy stuff. So I Clean him up, wash his clothes, wash his car seat, fix a bottle of liquid magic, feed the boy, and then lay him down for a nap. He wakes up 3 minutes later because he pooped again. So I change him again, hold him, snuggle him, then lay him down for a real nap.  During this time, I check my Facebook news feed. There's NEVER anything going on on FB, so it's kind of a waste of time. I go to worksource.com and apply for jobs... XAVI has taken another dig, so I go change him again. By this time, mini me is hungry again, and because he eats like a baby whale, (It's something like 150 liters every 30 seconds), I've already used up everything that Marisa had pumped. So I get the car seat ready, Change another diaper that has a fresh steamer, dress the boy, snap him in, load him up, and then drive to Marisa's store. During the drive, XAVI spits out his Binky, so the entire drive over to the land of Mordor I have been saying,  "Whaaaaaat's Wroooooooooong? Whaaaaaaaaat Haaaaaaaaaaaaappppppened? You're okay, YOU'RE OKAY! Poppa's almost there! Poppa's almost there! POPPA'S ALMOST THERE! POPPA'S ALMOST THERE! POPPA'S ALMOST THERE! POPPA'S ALMOST THERE!!!! XAVI is pissed, and he needs everyone in the universe to know it. He is unrelenting, unapologetic, and undeterred. He HATES dad, he WANTS his mom, and he will not settle for anything but HER. This is the part where I walk into the store and random strangers ask me dumb questions. "Why is he crying", "What did YOU DO TO HIM", "Are you his babysitter? you need to be fired"..."Where's the mommy? He wants his mommy"...(sigh)... I'M AWARE!!! I KNOW HE WANTS HIS MOMMY! But first, I have to go change his diaper, because there's another hefty load that's been dropped off in his pants. Luckily Marisa takes a break and hits his reset button or something, because by the time she gets back, he's normal again. She hands him back to me. He starts crying. She takes him back. He stops. This little shuffle happens about 78 times in a row, and then she has to go back to work.  So I take the crying boy, change his diaper, load him back up in the car, and drive home. The Binky thing happens again, so I'm saying "Whaaaaaat's Wroooooooooong? Whaaaaaaaaat Haaaaaaaaaaaaappppppened? You're okay, YOU'RE OKAY! Poppa's almost there! Poppa's almost there! POPPA'S ALMOST THERE! POPPA'S ALMOST THERE! POPPA'S ALMOST THERE! POPPA'S ALMOST THERE!!!! When I get home, I change another little blessing that XAVI left for me, lay him down for another nap, take a man poo, put on a movie, work on art, feed the little man again, change his diapers 12 more times, etc, etc, etc.....

That all happens before noon, and Marisa still has another 12 hours left on her shift before she can come home. It's exhausting!!! By the time she's done, we're both too tired to eat food.

It's time for bed!

That's my day. That's what it's like to be a new dad. Yes it's a lot of responsibility, and you know what?  It's completely worth it!!!!