Legends of the Fault

(NOTE) For maximum relief, this post should be read in the voice of One Stab, the Indian slash Native American guy from Legends of the Fall.


I think this is my third day as a stay at home dad, but I'm not sure... I am an old man. I cannot remember the day, but i think it's the moon of the falling leaves. 
It's either that or the moon of the red grass.
Anyway, 
So today i realized that when I'm changing XAVI's diapers, it looks almost exactly like a Jason Bourne fight scene. There are all sorts of super fast moves and dodges, sound effects, and even theme music. He's kicking and flailing around like a dog that's just been hit by a car, and I'm trying to hold up his butt so he doesn't smear his "stinky" all over his changing table. He's kicking me and trying to put his hands down in the yellow/orange pumpkin juice that he just left in his diaper. If I'm lucky i can avoid being peed on before he lets fly. After he's all cleaned up i have to try to get a new diaper on him. This is the part where he thinks he's DESH from Bourne Ultimatum. It's quite the dance between the two of us. A huge battle erupts, but I quickly remind him that DESH loses in that movie... He immediately gives up so that he can have his bottle... He's pretty smart. 


Speaking of smart, I used to really hate when people would talk about their kids. I HATED IT!!! They were ALWAYS bragging about how smart their kids were, or how they could do this or that, or how adorable they were. In fact, I had only met ONE unbelievably awesome kid up until XAVI was born. This little girl could do sign language, give pounds (knuckle bumps), Told cops to "GO EAT A DOUGHNUT", etc...Totally awesome, right?. she was 4 months old or something like that... It was amazing. I'm an old man. I cannot remember their name, but I think they were born in the summer of the forest fire...


Well, Now I get it! Now I understand why parents talk about their kids all the time. It starts when they first come out. "OHHHH, LOOOK!!!! HE'S BAWLING HIS EYES OUT!!! HOWWWW CUUUUUUUUUTE"! It just snowballs from there. "OHHHHH, HE JUST TOOK HIS FIRST ENORMOUS DOODY, HE'S BAWLING HIS EYES OUT!!! HOW CUUUUUUUUUTE!" I could go on and on with these, but then people would stop reading my blog... Parents don't want to miss a single thing. We love our kids. They really are awesome and worth all of the fussing.


Let's change gears. Here is a helpful "stay at home dad" hint for all of you new poppas out there.


When you're heating up a 5 oz. bottle of momma magic, don't accidently press 30 minutes on the microwave instead of 30 seconds. You will look like a huge, embarrassing failure. 


Let's change gears again. 


I'm an old man. I don't know what year I was born, but it was in the winter of the absolutely terrible mother...


XAVI is lucky! HIS mother is truly incredible! When Marisa was 9 months pregnant, she did things like hike 4.4 miles up a mountain. I have to take 12 Advil to even get out of bed in the morning... She did her entire labor without taking ANY medication. She didn't yell, scream, shout, curse, punch me, or anything close to what you'd see in the movies. She didn't even cry. No whimpers. No Ouch it hurts. NOTHING!!!. Here are a list of things I continually complain about because I'm in severe pain.
1. Hands
2. Wrists
3. Knees
4. Hips
5. Back
6. Muscles
7. Hemorrhoids
8. Butt aches from sitting too long
9. Toothaches 
10. Itchy Eyes
11. Itchy feet
12. Scratchy nose
13. Difficulty breathing, Difficulty Swallowing, Numb lips, Fingernail sensitivity


Oh wait! That last one was from What About Bob.
Now I'm just screwing around. 


I'll write something of substance next time.