My last post was pretty disgusting, so I'll spare you from all of that "sick and gross" stuff this time. What I will say is that my favorite commercial on TV right now is that J.G. Wentworth one... You know the one I'm talking about? It's that one where everyone is shouting, "IT'S MYYY MONEY, AND I NEEEEEED IT NOWWWW!". Jeeze, I love, LOVE, the very last guy. What a Goon! If you haven't seen this commercial, YOU are missing out big time! I also am in LOVE with the Charter College commercials. There's this one little kid that busts my gut EVERY time I see it. This specific kid says, "I WANT TO OVERCOME CHALLENGES", but the way he says it is brilliant. It sounds like a retard on a 53 year Ritalin binge. IT'S BEYOND AWESOME!
Speaking of retards...
The other day, a guy was a complete A-HOLE to one of Marisa's coworkers. This happens plenty. People are really rude some of the time, but this guy made me BEYOND angry. I won't go into too much detail, but he turned to ME after being a PRICK to them, and then made a few hostile, degrading, low life, scum sucking, dick head comments to me while I was waiting in line. I was wearing a white shirt and Khaki pants, so I must have looked like an employee... At any rate, I was heated for the rest of the day... OKAY, That was the pipe work, now let's fast forward to yesterday. The same dude comes in... This time he's with a friend... They go sit down... I overhear this JERK say he's a PASTOR OF A CHURCH! I could NOT believe it! I still can't... This made me livid. It was really hard for me to believe that this person was a person of kindness, gentleness, hope, and faith... But A PASTOR??? I can't make scenes in my wife's store, so I just sat there grinding my teeth until he left. However, I found out his info... I won't write his real name or anything, but let's just call him RYAN SMITH. I won't write the real name of his church, but let's just call it "LIFE CHURCH TRI-CITIES, aka the old RICHLAND ASSEMBLY OF GOD CHURCH. I won't write down their actual phone number for everyone to call to DEMAND that this "PASTOR" be kicked out of his position, but let's just write down (509) 943-2636, you know, just for "fun".
PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE?
YEP.
Okay, I'm done being mean now. Let's change gears and talk about Spanish. I'm trying to relearn Spanish, because the first 15 times I took 101, I failed. That's right. Failed. Marisa is Mexican, so I need to actually learn Spanish. When we go to family gatherings, I am useless. I only know a handful of words. Normally I have to say, co-moe-say-deeee-say, "hey, that deserved a Red Card, not a Yellow Card. That ref is acting like a PASTOR at "Moon Dollars!"---- "Moon Dollars" is a code word for where Marisa works. I can't say the REAL name, but I'm super sure that you can figure out the company she works for. If you can't, you deserve to be on a Charter College commercial. So, XAVI already has a bunch of Spanish/English books. I figure I can talk about Beauty and the Beast and The Little Mermaid the next time we all get together. I screwed around like nobody's business while I was in Hikes School. I was too concerned with being the funny guy in class, and here's the joke. I'm not even funny. NO, It's true. ASK MY FRIENDS! They'll tell you the truth. They know I'm not. I get too nervous and stutter and fumble and get "all locked up". Nobody listens to me in real life, but when I write things down, I'm........STILL.....Still NOT funny...So, in Hikes School Spanish class I was trying to be funny in English. I remember getting kicked out of class for shouting these exact words. "GOT DOWN SAT ON A BENCH!!!" I think that you're smart enough to figure out that if you shout "GOT DOWN SAT ON A BENCH", it sounds like something else. Like "Moon Dollars", that's "code". If you can't figure it out, you might need to give up on life completely. Kill yourself now... You're a moron. In Hikes School, reputable students don't use code words for swearing. They just don't swear. I was not a reputable guy, so i had all sorts of fun "code swear words" that I'd try to slip in when a teacher would call on me. Usually I'd end up in the principal's office. I'd say things like, "THIS IS NUCKING FUTS" and "OUR TEACHER IS A REAL PIECE OF SHHHHHHIN SPLINTS", and "AHHHHHHHHH FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFOGGY DAY, IN LONDON TOWWWWN", ( that one was sung), and "FUT THE WHACK IS GOING ON HERE"
Anyway, calling your teacher "Mr. Anal Veer Ez" when his name was Olivarez, was not right. Today's lesson kids, is that Screwing Around in School is stupid. Pastors Treating people at "Moon Dollars" meanly is stupid. Code words are stupid,,,,, but they are necessary. Making up fake cuss words is stupid. The kid on the Charter College commercial is, Well...Okay, he IS stupid.
Oh, I forgot... Today, a random customer at Moon Dollars told me -----
"YOU LOOK LIKE A WOMAN"
That's right... That JUST happened.
Sorry today's post was so harsh... That's what happens when you won't let me talk about diarrhea.
I need to go watch the J.G. Wentworth commercial to relax.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Dr. Bang and the $40.00 Diarrhea Water
If I didn't have Irritable Bowel Syndrome before, I'm pretty Irritated with them now!
When you're a responsible adult male, you have to do things that you really don't feel like doing. When you have a family, you have to do even more stuff you don't want to do. Marisa knows all of my dirty little secrets. You know that little saying "The Way to a Man's Heart is Through His Stomach"? Well, she knows "the way to my heart" is through quoting funny movies and getting me a new roll of toilet paper. That way I don't have to get up and waddle around the house with my pants down, looking for another roll, shouting "I need a new roll, I need a NEW ROLL. Hurry! Hurry, It's dripping!!!!". We've been married for 5 years now, and every single one of those days, I've had uncontrollable diarrhea. That's 1,825 days of staying close to home. I'm the type of guy that HATES pooping in public. I think the reason for that is because this one time, I went into Barnes and Noble, and there was a guy Masturbating in the stall next to mine. It was TERRIBLE. That was one of the worst days of my life. There's been four "WORST" days of my life, and here they are:
1. Listening to a guy Whack Off at Barnes and Noble
2. My entire childhood
3. My prostate exam
4. Yesterday
YESTERDAY WAS EASILY THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!
It took Marisa 2,825 days to convince me to go "get my butt checked". Believe me, she tried. She tried hard, but I just couldn't bring myself to have a stranger probe my Squirt Hole. It wasn't until XAVI came along that I could even consider it. I watched Marisa shove an entire human being out of her Hootie Hoo, so I thought to myself, "Hey, I can get my butt checked". What an absolutely Terrible decision that was... Terrible... Just plain Terrible... I swear I've seen a lot of things in my day, but that... WAS... Terrible.
I woke up the day before my "procedure" at 4am with a normal case of diarrhea. No big deal. If I knew that I would be up for the next 27 HOURS straight with the WORST diarrhea ever, I would have gone back to bed. Marisa had to work, so I was on baby detail during the day, which is normal. When she got home at 5pm, I had to drink this "$40.00 diarrhea water" that our doctor, Dr. Bang, prescribed to "irritate my bowels". That's his name... "Dr. Bang"... How I ended up with an ASS doctor named Dr. Bang, I'll NEVER know.
Anyway,
At 4:57pm I mixed one of the bottles of $40.00 Diarrhea Water, diluted it with "actual water" like the directions said, and then I sat it on the counter and stared at it. I just looked at it. I walked into the other room where Marisa was standing, and I said- "I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS. I ALREADY HAVE DIARRHEA. I CAN'T DO IT." Marisa has always been calm and cool. Even under the most stressful situations, she's calm. That's what makes her unlike any other human being on the planet. She said- "You drink that $40.00 diarrhea water, or I'm gonna kick you in the nuts so hard that you'll cough up so much blood you'll need a transfusion." Okay, she didn't say that, but she was thinking it. What she really said was, "You need to do this for your family. We need you around for a long time. Do it for me, do it for XAVI. You can do it."
Well, guess what? I plugged my nose and said, "HERE GOES NOTHING!" Huge mistake. Within three minutes, I was on the toilet for 10 hours. I had to flush 27 times. You know how I know it was 27 times? I counted... When you're on the toilet for 10 hours, squirting 33 years of remnant poop out of your bung, you have a lot of time to think... I had a grandma that died of Colon Cancer, so naturally I was thinking to myself, "What if I have Colon Cancer"? "What kind of MORONS are going to try to move in on my wife if I die?" Hey, If I die, Who's going to take care of my kid and treat him right?" Hey, My hemorrhoids look like a giant octopus, DANG, THIS HURTS!"
Anyway, I was only 1/2 way through. I had a whole other bottle to mix and drink. I mixed the rest of that "$40.00 Diarrhea Water", and wham, back on the toilet. I stopped counting flushes at 53. you know how I know it was 53? I counted. I had plenty of time to think during the second round too. Marisa walked in and I said, "Hey, If I have Cancer, I'm gonna go down swingin'." If I only have a week to live, can we go to Rome and Florence? That's where I want to die." Marisa was calm and collected. She said, "Stop it. You're going to be fine, and yes, if you are dying, we can go to Rome." My wife is a bad ass! anyway, I thought a lot about my priorities in life. Here they are in order:
1. My relationship with God, and by God, I mean Jesus. (You can believe what you want, and I won't try to pressure you into believing in God). We all make decisions... This is the biggest. Yes or No. It's as easy as that. I love you no matter what.
2. Marisa and XAVI- This is self explanatory- everything involving Marisa and XAVI's happiness.
3. Friends - People that have stuck by me in good times and bad times. People that have believed in Me and helped me in this journey. Not Jerks, bandwagonites, badmouthers, or poop faces.
I could list a whole bunch of stuff, but people hate things like, "reading", and "night driving", and "writing in cursive", and "anal probing", and "responsibility".
Okay, where was I. Oh yeah. Me taking a Dig.
So, around 6:30am, we made our way to "Dr. Bangarang's hospital. The nurses were nice. At this point I didn't care about them seeing me naked or looking my Giant Octopus Hemorrhoids. I was too tired. "Marisa and the $40.00 Diarrhea Water" had won. They were victorious. I was worn out. I needed to rest. 27 hours of no sleep, 23.5 hours of explosive diarrhea, and 53 flushes of dirty toilet water will do that to a guy... I kissed Marisa and XAVI goodbye as they wheeled me into the operating room, turned over on my side, and went to sleep- as they pumped my veins full of stuff to help me not remember a thing. It was a beautiful sacrifice. I had done it. I conquered one of my biggest fears in the world. I had beaten "THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE"...
OH, WHO AM I KIDDING. THAT SUCKED ASS!
When you're a responsible adult male, you have to do things that you really don't feel like doing. When you have a family, you have to do even more stuff you don't want to do. Marisa knows all of my dirty little secrets. You know that little saying "The Way to a Man's Heart is Through His Stomach"? Well, she knows "the way to my heart" is through quoting funny movies and getting me a new roll of toilet paper. That way I don't have to get up and waddle around the house with my pants down, looking for another roll, shouting "I need a new roll, I need a NEW ROLL. Hurry! Hurry, It's dripping!!!!". We've been married for 5 years now, and every single one of those days, I've had uncontrollable diarrhea. That's 1,825 days of staying close to home. I'm the type of guy that HATES pooping in public. I think the reason for that is because this one time, I went into Barnes and Noble, and there was a guy Masturbating in the stall next to mine. It was TERRIBLE. That was one of the worst days of my life. There's been four "WORST" days of my life, and here they are:
1. Listening to a guy Whack Off at Barnes and Noble
2. My entire childhood
3. My prostate exam
4. Yesterday
YESTERDAY WAS EASILY THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!
It took Marisa 2,825 days to convince me to go "get my butt checked". Believe me, she tried. She tried hard, but I just couldn't bring myself to have a stranger probe my Squirt Hole. It wasn't until XAVI came along that I could even consider it. I watched Marisa shove an entire human being out of her Hootie Hoo, so I thought to myself, "Hey, I can get my butt checked". What an absolutely Terrible decision that was... Terrible... Just plain Terrible... I swear I've seen a lot of things in my day, but that... WAS... Terrible.
I woke up the day before my "procedure" at 4am with a normal case of diarrhea. No big deal. If I knew that I would be up for the next 27 HOURS straight with the WORST diarrhea ever, I would have gone back to bed. Marisa had to work, so I was on baby detail during the day, which is normal. When she got home at 5pm, I had to drink this "$40.00 diarrhea water" that our doctor, Dr. Bang, prescribed to "irritate my bowels". That's his name... "Dr. Bang"... How I ended up with an ASS doctor named Dr. Bang, I'll NEVER know.
Anyway,
At 4:57pm I mixed one of the bottles of $40.00 Diarrhea Water, diluted it with "actual water" like the directions said, and then I sat it on the counter and stared at it. I just looked at it. I walked into the other room where Marisa was standing, and I said- "I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS. I ALREADY HAVE DIARRHEA. I CAN'T DO IT." Marisa has always been calm and cool. Even under the most stressful situations, she's calm. That's what makes her unlike any other human being on the planet. She said- "You drink that $40.00 diarrhea water, or I'm gonna kick you in the nuts so hard that you'll cough up so much blood you'll need a transfusion." Okay, she didn't say that, but she was thinking it. What she really said was, "You need to do this for your family. We need you around for a long time. Do it for me, do it for XAVI. You can do it."
Well, guess what? I plugged my nose and said, "HERE GOES NOTHING!" Huge mistake. Within three minutes, I was on the toilet for 10 hours. I had to flush 27 times. You know how I know it was 27 times? I counted... When you're on the toilet for 10 hours, squirting 33 years of remnant poop out of your bung, you have a lot of time to think... I had a grandma that died of Colon Cancer, so naturally I was thinking to myself, "What if I have Colon Cancer"? "What kind of MORONS are going to try to move in on my wife if I die?" Hey, If I die, Who's going to take care of my kid and treat him right?" Hey, My hemorrhoids look like a giant octopus, DANG, THIS HURTS!"
Anyway, I was only 1/2 way through. I had a whole other bottle to mix and drink. I mixed the rest of that "$40.00 Diarrhea Water", and wham, back on the toilet. I stopped counting flushes at 53. you know how I know it was 53? I counted. I had plenty of time to think during the second round too. Marisa walked in and I said, "Hey, If I have Cancer, I'm gonna go down swingin'." If I only have a week to live, can we go to Rome and Florence? That's where I want to die." Marisa was calm and collected. She said, "Stop it. You're going to be fine, and yes, if you are dying, we can go to Rome." My wife is a bad ass! anyway, I thought a lot about my priorities in life. Here they are in order:
1. My relationship with God, and by God, I mean Jesus. (You can believe what you want, and I won't try to pressure you into believing in God). We all make decisions... This is the biggest. Yes or No. It's as easy as that. I love you no matter what.
2. Marisa and XAVI- This is self explanatory- everything involving Marisa and XAVI's happiness.
3. Friends - People that have stuck by me in good times and bad times. People that have believed in Me and helped me in this journey. Not Jerks, bandwagonites, badmouthers, or poop faces.
I could list a whole bunch of stuff, but people hate things like, "reading", and "night driving", and "writing in cursive", and "anal probing", and "responsibility".
Okay, where was I. Oh yeah. Me taking a Dig.
So, around 6:30am, we made our way to "Dr. Bangarang's hospital. The nurses were nice. At this point I didn't care about them seeing me naked or looking my Giant Octopus Hemorrhoids. I was too tired. "Marisa and the $40.00 Diarrhea Water" had won. They were victorious. I was worn out. I needed to rest. 27 hours of no sleep, 23.5 hours of explosive diarrhea, and 53 flushes of dirty toilet water will do that to a guy... I kissed Marisa and XAVI goodbye as they wheeled me into the operating room, turned over on my side, and went to sleep- as they pumped my veins full of stuff to help me not remember a thing. It was a beautiful sacrifice. I had done it. I conquered one of my biggest fears in the world. I had beaten "THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE"...
OH, WHO AM I KIDDING. THAT SUCKED ASS!
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