Dr. Bang and the $40.00 Diarrhea Water

If I didn't have Irritable Bowel Syndrome before, I'm pretty Irritated with them now! 


When you're a responsible adult male, you have to do things that you really don't feel like doing. When you have a family, you have to do even more stuff you don't want to do. Marisa knows all of my dirty little secrets. You know that little saying "The Way to a Man's Heart is Through His Stomach"? Well, she knows "the way to my heart" is through quoting funny movies and getting me a new roll of toilet paper. That way I don't have to get up and waddle around the house with my pants down, looking for another roll, shouting "I need a new roll,  I need a NEW ROLL. Hurry! Hurry, It's dripping!!!!". We've been married for 5 years now, and every single one of those days, I've had uncontrollable diarrhea. That's 1,825 days of staying close to home. I'm the type of guy that HATES pooping in public. I think the reason for that is because this one time, I went into Barnes and Noble, and there was a guy Masturbating in the stall next to mine. It was TERRIBLE. That was one of the worst days of my life. There's been four "WORST" days of my life, and here they are:


1. Listening to a guy Whack Off at Barnes and Noble
2. My entire childhood
3. My prostate exam
4. Yesterday


YESTERDAY WAS EASILY THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!
It took Marisa 2,825 days to convince me to go "get my butt checked". Believe me, she tried. She tried hard, but I just couldn't bring myself to have a stranger probe my Squirt Hole. It wasn't until XAVI came along that I could even consider it. I watched Marisa shove an entire human being out of her Hootie Hoo, so I thought to myself, "Hey, I can get my butt checked". What an absolutely Terrible decision that was... Terrible... Just plain Terrible... I swear I've seen a lot of things in my day, but that... WAS... Terrible.
I woke up the day before my "procedure" at 4am with a normal case of diarrhea. No big deal. If I knew that I would be up for the next 27 HOURS straight with the WORST diarrhea ever, I would have gone back to bed. Marisa had to work, so I was on baby detail during the day, which is normal. When she got home at 5pm, I had to drink this "$40.00 diarrhea water" that our doctor, Dr. Bang, prescribed to "irritate my bowels". That's his name... "Dr. Bang"... How I ended up with an ASS doctor named Dr. Bang, I'll NEVER know. 
Anyway,
At 4:57pm I mixed one of the bottles of $40.00 Diarrhea Water, diluted it with "actual water" like the directions said, and then I sat it on the counter and stared at it. I just looked at it. I walked into the other room where Marisa was standing, and I said- "I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS. I ALREADY HAVE DIARRHEA. I CAN'T DO IT." Marisa has always been calm and cool. Even under the most stressful situations, she's calm. That's what makes her unlike any other human being on the planet.  She said- "You drink that $40.00 diarrhea water, or I'm gonna kick you in the nuts so hard that you'll cough up so much blood you'll need a transfusion." Okay, she didn't say that, but she was thinking it. What she really said was, "You need to do this for your family. We need you around for a long time. Do it for me, do it for XAVI. You can do it." 
Well, guess what? I plugged my nose and said, "HERE GOES NOTHING!" Huge mistake. Within three minutes, I was on the toilet for 10 hours. I had to flush 27 times. You know how I know it was 27 times? I counted... When you're on the toilet for 10 hours, squirting 33 years of remnant poop out of your bung, you have a lot of time to think... I had a grandma that died of Colon Cancer, so naturally I was thinking to myself, "What if I have Colon Cancer"? "What kind of MORONS are going to try to move in on my wife if I die?" Hey, If I die, Who's going to take care of my kid and treat him right?" Hey, My hemorrhoids look like a giant octopus, DANG, THIS HURTS!" 
Anyway, I was only 1/2 way through. I had a whole other bottle to mix and drink. I mixed the rest of that "$40.00 Diarrhea Water", and wham, back on the toilet. I stopped counting flushes at 53. you know how I know it was 53? I counted. I had plenty of time to think during the second round too. Marisa walked in and I said, "Hey, If I have Cancer, I'm gonna go down swingin'." If I only have a week to live, can we go to Rome and Florence? That's where I want to die." Marisa was calm and collected. She said, "Stop it. You're going to be fine, and yes, if you are dying, we can go to Rome." My wife is a bad ass! anyway, I thought a lot about my priorities in life. Here they are in order:


1. My relationship with God, and by God, I mean Jesus. (You can believe what you want, and I won't try to pressure you into believing in God). We all make decisions... This is the biggest. Yes or No. It's as easy as that. I love you no matter what.
2. Marisa and XAVI- This is self explanatory- everything involving Marisa and XAVI's happiness. 
3. Friends - People that have stuck by me in good times and bad times. People that have believed in Me and helped me in this journey. Not Jerks, bandwagonites, badmouthers, or poop faces. 


I could list a whole bunch of stuff, but people hate things like, "reading", and "night driving", and "writing in cursive", and "anal probing", and "responsibility". 


Okay, where was I. Oh yeah. Me taking a Dig.


So, around 6:30am, we made our way to "Dr. Bangarang's hospital. The nurses were nice. At this point I didn't care about them seeing me naked or looking my Giant Octopus Hemorrhoids. I was too tired. "Marisa and the $40.00 Diarrhea Water" had won. They were victorious. I was worn out.  I needed to rest. 27 hours of no sleep, 23.5 hours of explosive diarrhea, and 53 flushes of dirty toilet water will do that to a guy... I kissed Marisa and XAVI goodbye as they wheeled me into the operating room, turned over on my side, and went to sleep- as they pumped my veins full of stuff to help me not remember a thing. It was a beautiful sacrifice. I had done it. I conquered one of my biggest fears in the world. I had beaten "THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE"...


OH, WHO AM I KIDDING. THAT SUCKED ASS!