Parents of a New Infant Might Experience the Following:

OH, Guess what? I have some really good news!!! Today I found out that I get to have a Colonoscopy!!! YAY!! I guess it's supposed to help "save my life". I asked Marisa if I had to do it, and she said "YEP, It's either that, or you have to go to the mall with me and my mom." So, it looks like I have to have the Colonoscopy.

I've never been a shopper. I've only been shopping once, and that was in high school. I bought a 6 pack of white t-shirts, a 6 pack of black t-shirts, a couple thingys of socks and underwear, and some converse tennis shoes. I always look like I'm wearing the same outfit, but in reality, it's all different. It gives the viewer a real feeling of security and solidarity to see a guy wearing the same outfit all the time. When they think "WOLFGANG", they think, "White T Shirt, Blue Jeans, Red Converse Shoes. That's right, I look like the AMERICAN FLAG. I'm a clothing patriot... You know who looks good in clothes? XAVI. XAVI looks good. Not because I dress him though. Marisa picks out his clothes. Our friends were really sweet and gave us van loads of clothes for him at our baby shower. Otherwise XAVI would be in a white t-shirt and blue jeans for the rest of his life. I LOVE BABY SHOWERS! I want to have 6 more kids! Anyway, I'm getting off topic, and the topic is my anus. 

I can't believe that I have to have someone look up my HEE HOO. I haven't been to the doctor in like 115 years. I guess you're supposed to go more than that... Anyway, They told me that if you've been having diarrhea every day for the last 5 years that a Colonoscopy had to be my "new priority" in life. I like my old priorities. Being a stay at home dad is great!

XAVI cried all day Yesterday. He didn't take a nap. He cried. He yelled. He screamed. I couldn't do anything to soothe that little guy. When I turned on the TV, he stopped crying... Do you know what was on? A commercial for depression medicine...This made me realize that there are quite a few similarities between having a new baby and the side effects of depression medicine. The parents of a new infant might experience the following:

anxiety, nausea, dizziness, sensitivity to sound, sensitivity to light, sleepiness, sweating, dry mouth, gas, abnormal or blurred vision, nervousness, insomnia, loss of appetite, hair loss, upset stomach, trouble sleeping, even more sweating, constipation, agitation, changes in taste, tremors, yawning, night terrors, grey hair, heart palpitations, and increased cholesterol.

More serious side effects may include increased heart rate, extreme confusion, seizures, abnormal bleeding or bruising of their anus from a Colonoscopy, sudden eye pain, eye redness, mania or hypomania, decreased sexual desire or ability, anorgasmia or impotence in males.

That's right. When a baby is crying while you and your wife are having "happy time", decreased sexual desire or ability, anorgasmia or impotence in males might occur.

Seek medical attention right away if any of these SEVERE side effects occur: Severe allergic reactions (rash; hives; itching; difficulty breathing; tightness in the chest; swelling of the mouth, face, lips, or tongue); bizarre behavior; blood in the stool; chest pain or discomfort; confusion; decreased concentration; decreased coordination; decreased urination; fainting; fast or irregular heartbeat; fever, chills, or sore throat; hallucinations; memory problems, new or worsening aggressiveness, agitation, hostility, impulsiveness, inability to sit still, irritability, panic attacks, or restlessness; persistent or severe ringing in the ears; red, swollen, blistered, or peeling skin; seizures; severe or persistent anxiety, nervousness, or trouble sleeping; severe or persistent cough; severe or persistent headache, dizziness, stomach pain, or weakness; shortness of breath; significant weight loss; suicidal thoughts or attempts; tremor; trouble concentrating; unsteadiness or loss of coordination; unusual bruising or bleeding; unusual or severe mental or mood changes; unusual weakness; vision problems; worsening of depression.

No, it's not that bad. XAVI is a really great baby! He's a good boy! I truly like being a stay at home dad. I don't get to spend very much time doing manly things around the house anymore though. When I do get time for it, I screw stuff up. For instance -I killed our front lawn. I put weed and feed on it. Normally that wouldn't matter, but the problem is that our lawn was made ENTIRELY of weeds. There was no grass to "feed", so our lawn is a dead weed, hairy, dirt lawn. I tried to mow it... I ended up having to go to the doctor for my asthma. When I got there they asked, "HEY, AREN'T YOU THE GUY THAT HAS TO GET THE COLONOSCOPY?"

Pee-wee's "City of Richland" Adventure

Does anyone else remember the TV show Pee-wee's Playhouse? Well I do, and that's all that really matters... Okay, so there's this segment on that show where they have a "secret word of the day", and this robot prints out that "secret" word. Any time a guest on the show says that word, everyone screams as loud as they can. Well, today I have my own secret word. It's "CRANKY". Every time I type the word "CRANKY", YOU HAVE TO SCREAM. I don't care if you're at a funeral and you're reading this blog instead of paying attention. I don't care if you're farting in a crowded elevator full of executives. If I write the word CRANKY down, you better scream your balls off. And when I say balls, I mean testicles. If you don't have testicles, GROW some so that you can scream them off. Do I make myself clear? Pay attention! LISTEN TO ME!!! LISTEN TO ME!!!  (if you say those last lines like Will Ferrell, it's pretty great stuff)


So, yesterday, the City of Richland thought it would be a great idea to do road construction on EVERY street in town on the same day. They spent MOST of that time in front of my house, blocking my driveway, honking at each other, and revving their big, fat, stinky engines. this made me......CRANKY...... The reason this made me....CRANKY.... was that I had just put XAVI down for a nap. When Big, Fat trucks wake him up, he gets pretty....CRANKY.... And when he gets woken up by the City of Richland, PEOPLE DIE! 
*Are you having fun yet? Well then you're not screaming, YOU JERK.*
Yeah, that made me pretty....CRANKY.... The other thing that makes me.... CRANKY.... with the City of Richland, is the amount they charge for utilities. Our Utilities/water/garbage/ambulance/oxygen average $3,763 per day. I figure if I'm paying the City of Richland $3,763 per day, I can go to the park and steal their flowers... Stealing their roses that I've been paying for is completely wholesome, not illegal, and owed to me. This makes me less....CRANKY....


Putting XAVI down for a nap is HARD WORK. He wants to live life to the fullest and stay awake as long as humanly possible. If he's awake, he's either laughing, making hilarious noises, being "cute", or he's...CRANKY.... When I lay him down, I rock him for a couple thousand hours, hum to him, and I have to make sure not to step on any....CREAKY...* pshew, that was close*, boards on our wood floor... We live in a house that seems to have been built in 1754 B.C... Everything makes noise. Noise only bothers him when he's going down for a nap. Once he's asleep, he's out cold. Unless Marisa and I are having some "Mommy/Daddy" time. Then he's magically awake. He's CRANKY. He's hungry. He needs held. He needs Mom. He needs to be re-binkyied.  This makes dad....CRANKY.... very....CRANKY.... Speaking of....CRANKY...., I HATE when people try to sell me AMWAY.


STOP IT. 


Okay, so back to what I was saying.
I used the word- Re-Binkying...I don't know how to spell it. Mainly because it's not a word. It just means that you have to keep giving your kid their "binky" (pacifier) over and over and over and over again...Believe me, I've been making up PLENTY of new words. Things like Poooo pop uh doopy doopy dop. This means, hey, unless I sing to you while putting you in your car seat, you'll scream so hard that you throw up! Other words like Hinkumps. It's just a "baby talk" way of saying, Dang man, you've had hiccups for 3 hours now, maybe it's time to stop... I really don't use baby talk very much. When other people do it, it makes me....CRANKY.... It's like Ebonics for new parents... It sounds dumb... It makes you sound like you're from the South... Other things that people say make me...CRANKY... too. When people say something, it can even be remotely interesting, and they end it with "JUST SAYIN'".... Totally dumb... It sounds like you're from the South... Another real beauty is the little adage that has started making me...CRANKY... is, "THAT SAID"....Blah blah blah blah blah, something something, blah blah blah, "THAT SAID", blah blah blah blah blah, something something, blah blah....CRANKY.... DUMB LIKE THE SOUTH....


Speaking of the SOUTH... I LOVE the Steve Wilkos show... That should speak for itself.


Alright, now for the important part of the show. I have a few websites that are wonderful for new parents. They are jam packed full of great advice from doctors, nurses, and other people that seem like they're important. I'm going to list these even though I'll bet that no one else will go look at them. WHY, because we're Americans, and Americans don't give a crap about anything. But, here they are anyway:


www.healthychildren.org
www.kellymom.com
www.purplecrying.info


www.peewee.com/


These are fantastic sources for people (like myself) that are morons when it comes to being a new parent.


Well, hopefully you've learned a valuable lesson today, and if you haven't been paying attention like the rest of the class, here's a recap. 


The South = Bad
The City of Richland = Bad
Stealing The City of Richland's roses that you've been paying for = Good
The Steve Wilkos Show = Awesome
The word of the day = CRANKY....


See you next time.


bye bye.


you're cute...


I love you.

"Yakima" is Native American for "dog poop".

"What did I do for my First Father's Day", you ask? I picked up dog poop... 250,000 tons of it to be exact... For those of you that don't know much about my family,  I'm going to hook you up with some magical details. We have two Great Danes. Rockefeller is 185lbs. He barks all day, he's hyperactive, he's beyond dumb, and he poops more times in a day than XAVI does. He tries as hard as he can to do this inside of our house... Stella is 135lbs. There's nothing Stella likes to do more than eat. If she's not eating, she's fighting. She's a true watchdog. She never barks, so if she does, she's trying to kill another living creature. These dogs go through a 52lb bag of dog food in a week. That means there's around 50 pounds of doodie out in the yard for me to pick up. Well, I missed picking up their giant cow patties for around 5 or 6 weeks due to not having any time. So 95% of my "First Father's Day" was spent out in the yard, filling up 40 gallon trash sacks to the brim with the sweet smells of recycled Great Dane food. The only thing that my dogs are really good for is scaring away solicitors. If I'm not expecting any guests and I hear a knock on my door, I let my dogs answer... I usually have to pick up the solicitor's poop off of the front porch too, but it's worth it.  
Speaking of poop, I had to go to Yakima, Washington for the second part of my "First Father's Day".
There are only a handful of things that I truly HATE in this world, and I'm going to clue you in on what these things are.
1. Aaron Neville's Voice
2. Christina Aguilera's Voice
3. The Devil (aka) My Mother
4. I can't think of anything for number 4, but 
5. YAKIMA, WASHINGTON


Yakima is almost as unbearable as The Bachelorette's fake laugh. 


Anyway, I hate Yakima so much that I'm going to switch subjects so I don't have to discuss that CRAP town anymore. THAT'S how much I hate it.


So, I think I'm on my 3rd week as a stay at home dad. I've been learning plenty. One thing that I forgot to mention to all of the soon to be first time dads out there, was that your wife's hormones will be all jacked up for awhile after she's had the baby. This is normal. You and your wife will be really tired, and it's easy to get upset at each other. Marisa and I would be shouting clear across the house, "WHERE'S THE BINKY, GET THE BINKY". If you've seen the movie Best In Show, It's a lot like the BUSY BEE scene. Anyway, so I've been pretty depressed lately, and I guess it's normal for new parents to go through that. One reason I've been depressed lately is because I feel like I "look like" all of those hicks that line up outside to watch the Today show. I never wanted to become one of THOSE people, but, I guess it just happened. 


Here are a few things I've been learning:
A) Babies are born without any germs in their mouths. When a pacifier falls on the ground, parents aren't supposed to suck on the pacifier and put it back in the baby's mouth. They're supposed to wash it. Parents have nasty mouths. Babies don't. I didn't know that.
2) Having a routine is the best thing for a baby. 
D) I hate the Free section of Craigslist.


The FREE section on Craigslist is really making me grumpy. I keep seeing these Posts that say, "FREE CHAIR", but when you open it up, they have 75 things listed, and it says MUST TAKE ALL. I only want that chair, but instead, I have to take a box that has all sorts of miscellaneous crap in it. There could be anything in that box. Anthrax, a dead rat, used nipple shields, Tom Brokaw, Abe Lincoln's Teeth, who knows! It makes me mad... It Just does... (sigh)


One of these days I'll write something really great. It won't have anything to do with dog poop, Yakima, or Craigslist. 

Whaaat's Wrroong? Whaaat Haaaapened?!

A lot of single, handsome young bucks have been asking me questions... Things like, "Jee Whiz Wolfgang, what's it like to be a dad"? AND - "Golly Jee Willikers Wolfie, Isn't that a lot of responsibility for an artist guy, painter man"? AND - "Well Gosh. Is your life, like, totally different now"? AND - "Wow mister! Sheesh. Well Jeepers, What's a typical day look like for you"? Okay, nobody really asked me anything...I don't see anybody anymore... In fact, I'm afraid to leave my house...I'm comfortable there. But I'll tell you what my typical day looks like... Do you know why I'll tell you what my typical day looks like? I'll tell you because I know you're just dying to find out, and mainly because I'm extremely bored. So here it goes.

I wake up at 2:30am with my wife, and while she's getting ready for work at her "5,170 hour a week" job, I take "Little Squeakers" to his bedroom and change his diaper. Then I try to get clothes on him. This takes until about 8:45 at night. I am the world's worst baby dresser. I can't ever get the buttons to line up right. The whole time he's screaming bloody murder and I'm trying to comfort him. "Whaaaaaat's Wroooooooooong? Whaaaaaaaaat Haaaaaaaaaaaaappppppened? You're okay, YOU'RE OKAY! Poppa's almost done! Poppa's almost done! POPPA'S ALMOST DONE! POPPA'S ALMOST DONE! POPPA'S ALMOST DONE! POPPA'S ALMOST DONE!!!! Anyway, Marisa usually comes in and asks me why XAVI isn't dressed and lets me know that she's going to be late for work if I don't HURRY UP. We end up having to drive 157 in a 35 mph zone, but we get her there on time. It's something like, 2 miles to her store. By this time XAVI has already pooed his Jockeys, so I have to go change him. I grab an Extremely overpriced cup of coffee and head home to let "the baby" take a nap.  When I grab the car seat, I see that XAVI not only has had a blowout, but his whole car seat is swimming, no, dripping, nay, sloshing- with booty juice orangy stuff. So I Clean him up, wash his clothes, wash his car seat, fix a bottle of liquid magic, feed the boy, and then lay him down for a nap. He wakes up 3 minutes later because he pooped again. So I change him again, hold him, snuggle him, then lay him down for a real nap.  During this time, I check my Facebook news feed. There's NEVER anything going on on FB, so it's kind of a waste of time. I go to worksource.com and apply for jobs... XAVI has taken another dig, so I go change him again. By this time, mini me is hungry again, and because he eats like a baby whale, (It's something like 150 liters every 30 seconds), I've already used up everything that Marisa had pumped. So I get the car seat ready, Change another diaper that has a fresh steamer, dress the boy, snap him in, load him up, and then drive to Marisa's store. During the drive, XAVI spits out his Binky, so the entire drive over to the land of Mordor I have been saying,  "Whaaaaaat's Wroooooooooong? Whaaaaaaaaat Haaaaaaaaaaaaappppppened? You're okay, YOU'RE OKAY! Poppa's almost there! Poppa's almost there! POPPA'S ALMOST THERE! POPPA'S ALMOST THERE! POPPA'S ALMOST THERE! POPPA'S ALMOST THERE!!!! XAVI is pissed, and he needs everyone in the universe to know it. He is unrelenting, unapologetic, and undeterred. He HATES dad, he WANTS his mom, and he will not settle for anything but HER. This is the part where I walk into the store and random strangers ask me dumb questions. "Why is he crying", "What did YOU DO TO HIM", "Are you his babysitter? you need to be fired"..."Where's the mommy? He wants his mommy"...(sigh)... I'M AWARE!!! I KNOW HE WANTS HIS MOMMY! But first, I have to go change his diaper, because there's another hefty load that's been dropped off in his pants. Luckily Marisa takes a break and hits his reset button or something, because by the time she gets back, he's normal again. She hands him back to me. He starts crying. She takes him back. He stops. This little shuffle happens about 78 times in a row, and then she has to go back to work.  So I take the crying boy, change his diaper, load him back up in the car, and drive home. The Binky thing happens again, so I'm saying "Whaaaaaat's Wroooooooooong? Whaaaaaaaaat Haaaaaaaaaaaaappppppened? You're okay, YOU'RE OKAY! Poppa's almost there! Poppa's almost there! POPPA'S ALMOST THERE! POPPA'S ALMOST THERE! POPPA'S ALMOST THERE! POPPA'S ALMOST THERE!!!! When I get home, I change another little blessing that XAVI left for me, lay him down for another nap, take a man poo, put on a movie, work on art, feed the little man again, change his diapers 12 more times, etc, etc, etc.....

That all happens before noon, and Marisa still has another 12 hours left on her shift before she can come home. It's exhausting!!! By the time she's done, we're both too tired to eat food.

It's time for bed!

That's my day. That's what it's like to be a new dad. Yes it's a lot of responsibility, and you know what?  It's completely worth it!!!!

LeBron James, Diane Wade, and the Guy With No Chin

XAVI learned an important lesson last night while he was watching the Dallas Mavericks beat the Miami Heat. He learned that just because you are an arrogant, cocky, "thug life" jerk, that doesn't guarantee you an NBA championship. No, but really... XAVI learned that... He watches TV. He's a funny baby. I know it's bad for babies to watch television, but he's an American, and Americans don't do anything EXCEPT watch TV. You know what I've found? Daytime TV is TERRIBLE and UNBEARABLE for stay at home dads!!! During the weekdays EVERY SHOW that is on is a MAN BASHING SHOW! I'm not kidding! Turn on the TV at any point during the day, and WHAM! MAN HATING.  If it's not man bashing, it's soft core lady porn. These shows are all about men being women's play things. They call these little beauties "soap operas". It's completely insane! I'm not learning anything. I'd rather watch commercials, and I can't stand commercials. I'm a movie freak, so that is my saving grace. 


I'm teaching XAVI what a "Real Man" looks like, so we're watching "Real Man" movies. So far we've watched Band of Brothers, The Bourne series, the ENTIRE 007 box set, Braveheart, and Charlie and Lola. He mostly blows spit bubbles and takes naps. We made sure to watch movies on our big screen with the surround sound blasting "while Marisa was pregnant". That way, when we had our baby, they'd be used to loud bangs and crashes. Now we're reaping those benefits! That kid can sleep through anything! Someone could come running and screaming through our house crashing cymbals, and he would stay conked out! I highly recommend making as much noise as possible during your wife's pregnancy. 


Now, back to the Lebron James, Diane Wade, and the Guy With No Chin story of losing to a bunch of slow, white guys. If XAVI wants to play sports, I'm going to stress to him that anything is possible. My whole life has been an uphill battle of dealing with things that are impossible. I'm not sure, but I think it all started with having a mother that told me that I had a small penis... That can really ruin your childhood... Anyway, I want to make it a point to let my kids know that they are PERFECT just the way they are! I think it is EXTREMELY important for DADS to tell their kids that they are proud of them and to teach them that they don't have to be anything other than themselves! Our whole world is about trying to make each other the same! I can remember wanting to be an explorer when I was little, but I had a teacher that told me that everything had already been discovered, so it was impossible. Every adult in my life was telling me what I COULDN'T do. Well, I want to give my kids the proper tools for success, and I think a huge part of that is letting your offspring know how awesome they are. I think it all starts when they are little like XAVI is. He's 10 weeks old, and we tell that little guy how much we love him 300,000 times a day. 


I shouldn't be surprised, but I am! Even at 10 weeks old XAVI is extremely athletic. He's able to roll from his back to his stomach. This is hard enough for ME to do at 33 years old. It is really cool to get to see your baby learn and achieve new things! We have to put giant, rolled up beach towels beside him at night so that he doesn't roll over onto his tummy. FYI, Babies have to sleep on their backs. Marisa and Myself used to be athletic, but then we got married... Now we're what experts in the field call, "chubby". 


I'm interested to see what XAVI wants to be when he grows up. You know? To see what he's into. We're NOT going to spank or beat our kids, which is one reason I could never be a pastor. That's one profession that I used to want to have. I think that in order to be a preacher, especially in an evangelical church, you have to adhere to lots of things that are lame. Here are some reasons that I could never be a typical pastor:
1) I'm not a Republican (shocking I know, but I have my reasons)
2) I'm not going to spank my kids (shocking I know, but I have my reasons)
3) I don't start wars in the name of God (shocking I know, but I have my reasons)
4) I'm Pro Choice (shocking I know, but I have my reasons)
5) I don't care if people are gay or not (shocking I know, but I have my reasons)
6) I'm not a businessman and not money hungry (shocking I know, but I have my reasons)
7) I'm not into church politics or tithing (shocking I know, but I have my reasons)
8) I believe in the Bible (shocking I know, but I have my reasons)
9) LeBron James will NEVER be better than Michael Jordan. (shocking I know, but I have my reasons)


The Huge difference between LeBron James, Diane Wade, the Guy With No Chin, and myself is that THEY are all Bazillionaires. If I was a Bazillionaire, life would probably be pretty much the same as it is right now. I'd watch movies and make fun of people. No, I'd do other stuff too, like buy the HOME ALONE house, pay off all of my debt, pay off all of my friends' debts, give bums money, buy local art, get a gym membership, and make more babies. Marisa and I want 7 kids. We also would like to adopt a few, so we're looking at a pretty full house by the time we're filthy, stinkin' rich. No. but honestly, I already consider myself the richest man on the planet. I have a place to sleep, food, water, electricity, a beautiful wife, a fantastic baby, the best friends a guy could ask for, I'm not off at war, I'm not in a concentration camp, my family is healthy,  and I didn't just lose the NBA championship to a bunch of old, white guys. 

Hello? Hello? Anybody home? Come on. THINK McFly, THINK.

So like I was saying, I think that I'm the "Stay at Home Dad" version of George McFly from Back to the Future. Here's why... 


Have you ever had to go to a mandatory office party or a Christmas get together for your job? There's no alcohol allowed and everyone just kinda stands there looking at each other.  Nobody has anything in common except for work, and no one really wants to be there. So everyone finds a nerd to pick on! That's me on a day to day basis. I'm that nerd, except people are making fun of how I'm taking care of a baby. It's like I have a " KICK ME" sign on my back. I'm repeatedly getting abused, and I'm all, "Okay. Okay you guys. Ah-ha-ha-ha, very funny. You guys are being real mature"... I'm surrounded by a bunch of Biff Tannens. I love giving empirical evidence to support my claims, so let me give you some. 


If it's 95 degrees outside, I'm not going to layer my boy in 37 shirts, 222 pairs of pants, 64 pairs of socks, a sleeper, mittens, a wool hat, and 56 blankets. This seems reasonable right???


WRONG


I've had a Biff Tannen rip me a new anus over this.


Biff: He can't leave your house like that. He has to have socks on. Where are his socks? Why doesn't he have socks on? He needs his socks. He's gonna be too cold without his socks. Where do you keep his socks? Do we need to go buy him some socks? XAVI needs to have those socks on those feet.
McFly: I know, and all I can say is, I'm sorry...
Biff: Does XAVI have a winter jacket? He needs a winter jacket. Where's XAVI's winter jacket? What kind of father doesn't have a winter jacket for XAVI? Do we need to go buy a winter jacket? XAVI is going to freeze out there. Did you find those socks? Where are XAVI's socks? Where are his bunny slippers?
McFly: Now Biff, I don't think he really needs a winter coat, it's 95 degrees outside right now.
Biff: Hello? Hello? Anybody home? Come on. THINK McFly, THINK. 


OKAY, you get the point.


Anyone that isn't Marisa is a possible Biff Tannen. 


I'm no expert on any of this stuff, all of this Stay at Home Dad stuff is new to me, so If you're under the impression that you should listen to me, it's probably best that you don't. I was just informed that "You don't put breast milk in the microwave, you put the bottle in a pan of hot water if you feel like heating it up." See, NOW THAT IS USEFUL INFORMATION that was given to me in a polite manner.  
Here are some other "Stay at Home Dad" things that I have been learning. 
1. XAVI will stain every piece of clothing that he owns with his own fecal matter. That's his poop. It comes out of his butt. 
2. I shouldn't use Bleach on any of the things that I wash. It bugs XAVI's skin.
3. My Newborn shouldn't go out into direct sunlight until they are 6 months old, because old ladies will be attracted to him like moths to a flame.
4. Don't use sunscreen on a baby.


OKAY, back to the Biff stuff. 


A very wise woman once told me, "Jeeze, you got some weird ass folks out there in Richland, Washington. You should move"... Believe me when I tell you this...I WISH WE COULD!!! We're stuck here... We're homeowners... Richland, Washington has the highest population of Biffs on the planet. It's a land of Zombie Engineers, Meth labs, Drunk Drivers, and Plutonium. Add that all up and you've quite the formula for douchebaggery. It's a pressure cooker for ridiculous comments by Biffs. 


Biff: How old is your baby? Where are his socks? Why doesn't your baby have socks? What, you can't afford socks? YOUR BABY IS FREEZING TO DEATH, get that peasant boy some socks. 
McFly: I know, and all I can say is. I'm sorry.














(NOTE) George McFly WINS at the end of that movie

Save Ferris. I mean, Save XAVI

Remember when I told you that XAVI had just gotten his shots? Remember that? I said that he had been crying? Remember? Anyone? Anyone? Anyone remember that? Okay, so that's where we'll start up again. One of the nicknames that I gave XAVI a couple weeks ago is "Colonel Mustard". I'm sure you're smart enough to figure out why I gave him this nickname, but for all of the people reading this that are slow on the uptake, I was talking about his diaper goo. Well anyway, XAVI got his shots yesterday, so coupled with that and the pain medicine called acetaminophen (TYLENOL), his new nickname is Mr. Green. The poor guy feels like crap.


Speaking of crap, here's a tidbit of knowledge that I'll pass along to all of you "About to Give Birthers" out there. If you're planning on an outing, make sure you change your baby BEFORE you leave. Without fail, your baby WILL poop right when you're strapping him into the car seat. He'll also poop while you're driving, and he'll poop again when you get there. Get used to it. This is your life... Enjoy...


My life is drastically different than what it used to be like. I went to college. I have FOUR "ALMOST" degrees... Let me explain. I went to a junior college first. That's where I learned how to pay attention in class. Then I went to Seattle where I did some stuff... Then I went to a REAL college, where I learned how to do some more stuff. At any rate, I went to college, but I left school with 1 quarter left toward my REAL degree to move to NYC... I tell people that I have this degree, be cause I ALMOST do... Now, here's where the lies truly begin. (This is hard to follow, so hang in there). If I finished this degree, I would truly have 2 degrees. I have 1 year left on my teaching degree, and that would make 3 degrees. So I ALMOST have the teaching degree as well. Then I'm only about 2 years away from my MASTERS degree. I ALMOST have that one too. So after all of these little white lies, there's the BIG one. The F dash dash dash lie... Neurosurgeon... This is the one that I flaunt on my resume. 
Do I lie on my resume? Hell yes I lie. 
Here's me at a McDonalds interview. 


Them: So, it says here that you have 17 college degrees and that you are a Neurosurgeon. Why do you want to work for Mcdonalds?
Me: I like to work with people and I love your egg McMuffins  
Them: You seem a little overqualified for this position
Me: I'm really not. I'm just a regular person. I'm just like you.
Them: Thanks for stopping by, we'll be making our calls back in the next month. If you don't hear from us, that means we aren't going to hire you.


Anyway, 


I'm probably best suited to be a stay at home dad. It's what i was born to be! The real world sucks. I'll tell you what else sucks. Swaddling a baby. For all of the other Noobs out there, swaddling is wrapping a baby up to look like a burrito to keep them warm. I am TERRIBLE at it! XAVI ends up looking like a saggy, floppy, baby seal, plastic bag, mummy by the time I'm done. I'll tell you another thing I'm bad at. Grooming him. Marisa pokes and prods, wipes, washes, cleans cracks and crevices, pulls little pieces of lint off of his hair, etc... I can barely do this on myself. It's wild. You know what else? I found out that the baby's bellybutton is all black and nasty for a month or so. The umbilical cord is cut off when he's born, they stick this clamp on it, and it turns stinky and gooey. I guess the dad's job is to clean this area and to yank the sucker off of his body when it's ready to drop off. Gross. 


Speaking of Gross, have you seen that Ugly guy on the ARBY'S commercials? 
Anyone? Anyone? Anyone seen this? It's like, out of the bajillion, bazillion people that are roaming the planet on any given day, and they chose THIS guy. Gross. It's worse than having to watch Christina Aguilera on her hit show, "THE VOICE". Gross. 


Speaking of gross, if you are a new dad, EXPECT THAT YOUR CLOTHES ARE GOING TO SMELL LIKE ROTTEN MILK.
I'm just learning that babies spit up used milk when you hold them, so make sure you remember to grab a vomit rag. 


I think XAVI is going to be a lot like Ferris Bueller when he grows up. I'm not sure why I have this feeling, but i do. I think it's because I'm like George McFly, and the opposite of me would be Ferris Bueller. I'll talk about why I'm like George McFly on my next blog. 


Thanks for tuning in.

OH CUTE!!! So, Are You His Babysitter?

I'll be honest, when Marisa was pregnant, I wasn't sure if we were going to have a "CUTE" baby or not. I was afraid... Very afraid... If XAVI got any of my genes, he would come out looking like a cross between Wayne Rooney and Regis Philbin. This would have been a terrible life for him, so I'm glad that he looks nothing like me and that his mother is an undeniably HOT BABE. That is a scientific fact...Having a baby that looks nothing like you has its drawbacks though. Here's an example.


If you are a stay at home dad, there will be plenty of haters coming your way. These haters have the sole purpose of letting you know how inept and unqualified you are to be caring for a small human being. I've already had the pleasure of dealing with my fair share, and I'm sure there are plenty of others that will be mobbing towards me in the near future.  "That baby needs his mother, why are YOU holding him? You're his dad. You don't even count. He doesn't even look like you".   That's one small example of a comment that I've actually gotten... Here's another one... "So, you're a stay at home dad? Wow, you must be a real loser. You make your wife work so you can be a lazy bum all day? Get a job".... This one happened to me while i was waiting for my wife to get off of work at her giant, multinational, burnt bean, man this stuff tastes like old metal , coffee company...  " OH CUUUUUTE, SO, ARE YOU HIS BABYSITTER? WHERE'S HIS MOM AND DAD"? I could go on, but then everyone would come up to me and say how depressing my blog is. Don't take this the wrong way, but Most Haters Have Been Women. Not ALL, but MOST... The fun part about that is that I get my revenge though. Yes, I do naughty things like deleting these rude people from my Facebook "friends" list. Then, I write ALL of the little, hurtful things that they say to me on a very public blog.
Anyway,
What I've found is that EVERYONE thinks THEY are an expert on babies. Not just any baby...YOUR BABY...  For all of you new "soon to be" dads, you'll quickly learn the different cries that you baby makes... The - "HEY DAAAAAAAD, I'VE GOT A POOOOP"! -The- "HEY! BUUURP ME YOU JERRRRRK"! -The- DON'T MESS WITH ME DAD, I'M A CRANKY LITTLE NOOB THAT'S SLEEPY"! -The- "WHERE'S MOM, I'M HUNNNNNGRYYY"! -The- "GET ME AWAY FROM SOME RANDOM OLD LADY". -The- "GIVE ME BACK THE PACIFIER THAT I JUST KNOCKED OUT OF MY OWN MOUTH DAD, YOU HOMO!...These are just a few of the different cries that you will figure out. Well, what I've found out is that when you're in a group of ladies, middle aged, old, doesn't matter, you'll have the honor of having them tell you that you don't know what you're talking about. For instance, if you know that little Billy hasn't eaten in three hours, he's hungry. He wants food. You'll say, "Well, Billy hasn't eaten in 3 or 4 hours, so he's crying because he's hungry". The onslaught of "Don't listen to your dad, HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT, HE DOESN'T EVEN LOVE YOU", comments blow their way in like a tornado.  They'll say, "You just need a nap, that's all. Your father doesn't have a job, he's a moron. I heard he's gay".... All I can say is that I get my revenge. When we get home, I tell little Billy that those ladies all have scabies, have fake nails, and will soon die of cancer, so don't get too attached. 


Now for the heartbreak segment of our show.


XAVI had to go tho the doctor yesterday. It was his 2 month checkup. He got 3 sets of shots in his thighs. I've never heard him scream like that. These vaccines are great, but they made me want to punch the nurse in the face. He cried most of the night. Not the whimpery, fake cries that dad doesn't know anything about. No he cried the extra large crocodile tears. He loves his Cherry medicine though...


Oh crap, I have way more to write, but my wife just got off of work. I'll have to continue this some other time.

Legends of the Fault

(NOTE) For maximum relief, this post should be read in the voice of One Stab, the Indian slash Native American guy from Legends of the Fall.


I think this is my third day as a stay at home dad, but I'm not sure... I am an old man. I cannot remember the day, but i think it's the moon of the falling leaves. 
It's either that or the moon of the red grass.
Anyway, 
So today i realized that when I'm changing XAVI's diapers, it looks almost exactly like a Jason Bourne fight scene. There are all sorts of super fast moves and dodges, sound effects, and even theme music. He's kicking and flailing around like a dog that's just been hit by a car, and I'm trying to hold up his butt so he doesn't smear his "stinky" all over his changing table. He's kicking me and trying to put his hands down in the yellow/orange pumpkin juice that he just left in his diaper. If I'm lucky i can avoid being peed on before he lets fly. After he's all cleaned up i have to try to get a new diaper on him. This is the part where he thinks he's DESH from Bourne Ultimatum. It's quite the dance between the two of us. A huge battle erupts, but I quickly remind him that DESH loses in that movie... He immediately gives up so that he can have his bottle... He's pretty smart. 


Speaking of smart, I used to really hate when people would talk about their kids. I HATED IT!!! They were ALWAYS bragging about how smart their kids were, or how they could do this or that, or how adorable they were. In fact, I had only met ONE unbelievably awesome kid up until XAVI was born. This little girl could do sign language, give pounds (knuckle bumps), Told cops to "GO EAT A DOUGHNUT", etc...Totally awesome, right?. she was 4 months old or something like that... It was amazing. I'm an old man. I cannot remember their name, but I think they were born in the summer of the forest fire...


Well, Now I get it! Now I understand why parents talk about their kids all the time. It starts when they first come out. "OHHHH, LOOOK!!!! HE'S BAWLING HIS EYES OUT!!! HOWWWW CUUUUUUUUUTE"! It just snowballs from there. "OHHHHH, HE JUST TOOK HIS FIRST ENORMOUS DOODY, HE'S BAWLING HIS EYES OUT!!! HOW CUUUUUUUUUTE!" I could go on and on with these, but then people would stop reading my blog... Parents don't want to miss a single thing. We love our kids. They really are awesome and worth all of the fussing.


Let's change gears. Here is a helpful "stay at home dad" hint for all of you new poppas out there.


When you're heating up a 5 oz. bottle of momma magic, don't accidently press 30 minutes on the microwave instead of 30 seconds. You will look like a huge, embarrassing failure. 


Let's change gears again. 


I'm an old man. I don't know what year I was born, but it was in the winter of the absolutely terrible mother...


XAVI is lucky! HIS mother is truly incredible! When Marisa was 9 months pregnant, she did things like hike 4.4 miles up a mountain. I have to take 12 Advil to even get out of bed in the morning... She did her entire labor without taking ANY medication. She didn't yell, scream, shout, curse, punch me, or anything close to what you'd see in the movies. She didn't even cry. No whimpers. No Ouch it hurts. NOTHING!!!. Here are a list of things I continually complain about because I'm in severe pain.
1. Hands
2. Wrists
3. Knees
4. Hips
5. Back
6. Muscles
7. Hemorrhoids
8. Butt aches from sitting too long
9. Toothaches 
10. Itchy Eyes
11. Itchy feet
12. Scratchy nose
13. Difficulty breathing, Difficulty Swallowing, Numb lips, Fingernail sensitivity


Oh wait! That last one was from What About Bob.
Now I'm just screwing around. 


I'll write something of substance next time.  

Brad Pitt? More like Dad Pitt!

There's a butt load of stuff to talk about, so let's just get down to business. Apparently as soon as your extremely, insanely HOT wife has a baby, other people suddenly think that YOU are a "Beefcake Studasaurus with a side of OMG I Wanna Piece of That"... Single men, take note! If you want the opposite sex to want you like never before, get a baby. Who cares how you acquire said baby, just get one. Hang around with it, play with it, genuinely love it. Who cares if it's the ugliest baby of all time, just grab one. Single men don't have a brain, so i never understood this concept until I got married and Marisa agreed to have sex with me. When XAVI came along i was unprepared for the amount of attention that I get. People that thought i was a huge douche bag before hand, are somehow under the impression that i have become awesome... This is true!!! I can now walk into a room and WHAM, I've suddenly become Brad Pitt! But in all honesty, the best i can pull off is a really fat Christian Slater look alike. 


Anyway...


So today is my second day as a stay at home dad. I watched the entire Band of Brothers box set and during that time i figured out that Bobby Pins are great for cleaning out your baby's nose. So far i've learned quite a bit... I think the number one thing i've learned is that your baby doesn't want you. He wants his mother. He won't look at you, and if he does glance at you, he'll give you the stink eye. He won't smile at you. He won't make cute noises. He'll frown. All day long. Your sweet, little bundle of joy, your clone, will frown. Even if you do the Elmo voice, he'll want his mom. He'll also tell you that you're dumb. "You don't have foody boobs, you're dumb". Yes,.. i said foody boobs. One thing that you catch yourself doing is making up new nicknames for your baby. Oh Bubba, stop crying, momma will be home soon. Oh Bubby, stop crying, momma will be home soon. Oh, Pops or Poppa,  stop crying, momma will be home soon. Oh Little Man, stop crying, momma will be home soon.
You get the point.


Here's some FACTS about my boy:


XAVI's  full name is always capitalized, and if you think you're gonna get away with lower case letters, YOU'D BETTER THINK AGAIN.
XAVI has been able to roll over from his back to his belly for about a month now, which means, i always have to watch him. He also can scoot clear across our huge, ugly, green and yellow flowered, grotesque, disgusting, flower printed, Great Dane stank, Thrift store couch. He's pretty athletic, which is funny, because his parents just sit on the couch and eat apple crisp. 
XAVI always poops while he's in his Bunny Bouncer. 


Here are some FACTS about myself:


I LOVE my wife and my baby.
I suck at putting XAVI's clothes on.
I might start painting for fun again in the near future, but we'll see. 
AND most importantly,
The FAT, Brad Pitt/Christian Slater "stay at home dad", sure is a sexy beast.

My First Day

Yesterday was my first day as a stay at home dad. When we first got pregnant, we were hoping that Marisa could finally relax a bit from her job as a high powered lawyer, but when MY job fell through, i turned into Mr. Mom. Wait, I've been watching too much Law and Order. Marisa is an enormously underpaid Store Manager of a Gazillion, Bazillion dollar a year coffee chain that will remain nameless. Anyway, as i was saying, before i was so rudely interrupted, I have taken on the role of stay at home dad, which is extremely exciting. Yesterday, our 2 month old boy, we'll call him XAVI, because that's his real name, had 3,184 dirty diapers. I've changed some dirty diapers before, but this time he was showing me his extreme disapproval of mum going back to work. Yes he served me up an all you can handle bonanza of his best mustard soup. I knew that staying at home with a newborn would probably be the hardest thing I've ever done.  I mean, i figured it was going to be tough. Mainly because I'm a guy...The hard part is that I don't have boobs that produce milk...The other hard part is that I can't get anything done, like laundry or the dishes. Just plain forget about mowing the lawn, exercising, showering, or taking a good long man poo. No wonder dads make their kids mow the lawn, rake leaves, go shopping with their mothers, spend their Saturdays doing chores, or helping old people move, go sing at nursing homes, make them be in choir or be on the drill team, or Maybe on the flag team or run cross country if they are really bad....yes,
Dads are paying their children back.