Does anyone else remember the TV show Pee-wee's Playhouse? Well I do, and that's all that really matters... Okay, so there's this segment on that show where they have a "secret word of the day", and this robot prints out that "secret" word. Any time a guest on the show says that word, everyone screams as loud as they can. Well, today I have my own secret word. It's "CRANKY". Every time I type the word "CRANKY", YOU HAVE TO SCREAM. I don't care if you're at a funeral and you're reading this blog instead of paying attention. I don't care if you're farting in a crowded elevator full of executives. If I write the word CRANKY down, you better scream your balls off. And when I say balls, I mean testicles. If you don't have testicles, GROW some so that you can scream them off. Do I make myself clear? Pay attention! LISTEN TO ME!!! LISTEN TO ME!!! (if you say those last lines like Will Ferrell, it's pretty great stuff)
So, yesterday, the City of Richland thought it would be a great idea to do road construction on EVERY street in town on the same day. They spent MOST of that time in front of my house, blocking my driveway, honking at each other, and revving their big, fat, stinky engines. this made me......CRANKY...... The reason this made me....CRANKY.... was that I had just put XAVI down for a nap. When Big, Fat trucks wake him up, he gets pretty....CRANKY.... And when he gets woken up by the City of Richland, PEOPLE DIE!
*Are you having fun yet? Well then you're not screaming, YOU JERK.*
Yeah, that made me pretty....CRANKY.... The other thing that makes me.... CRANKY.... with the City of Richland, is the amount they charge for utilities. Our Utilities/water/garbage/ambulance/oxygen average $3,763 per day. I figure if I'm paying the City of Richland $3,763 per day, I can go to the park and steal their flowers... Stealing their roses that I've been paying for is completely wholesome, not illegal, and owed to me. This makes me less....CRANKY....
Putting XAVI down for a nap is HARD WORK. He wants to live life to the fullest and stay awake as long as humanly possible. If he's awake, he's either laughing, making hilarious noises, being "cute", or he's...CRANKY.... When I lay him down, I rock him for a couple thousand hours, hum to him, and I have to make sure not to step on any....CREAKY...* pshew, that was close*, boards on our wood floor... We live in a house that seems to have been built in 1754 B.C... Everything makes noise. Noise only bothers him when he's going down for a nap. Once he's asleep, he's out cold. Unless Marisa and I are having some "Mommy/Daddy" time. Then he's magically awake. He's CRANKY. He's hungry. He needs held. He needs Mom. He needs to be re-binkyied. This makes dad....CRANKY.... very....CRANKY.... Speaking of....CRANKY...., I HATE when people try to sell me AMWAY.
STOP IT.
Okay, so back to what I was saying.
I used the word- Re-Binkying...I don't know how to spell it. Mainly because it's not a word. It just means that you have to keep giving your kid their "binky" (pacifier) over and over and over and over again...Believe me, I've been making up PLENTY of new words. Things like Poooo pop uh doopy doopy dop. This means, hey, unless I sing to you while putting you in your car seat, you'll scream so hard that you throw up! Other words like Hinkumps. It's just a "baby talk" way of saying, Dang man, you've had hiccups for 3 hours now, maybe it's time to stop... I really don't use baby talk very much. When other people do it, it makes me....CRANKY.... It's like Ebonics for new parents... It sounds dumb... It makes you sound like you're from the South... Other things that people say make me...CRANKY... too. When people say something, it can even be remotely interesting, and they end it with "JUST SAYIN'".... Totally dumb... It sounds like you're from the South... Another real beauty is the little adage that has started making me...CRANKY... is, "THAT SAID"....Blah blah blah blah blah, something something, blah blah blah, "THAT SAID", blah blah blah blah blah, something something, blah blah....CRANKY.... DUMB LIKE THE SOUTH....
Speaking of the SOUTH... I LOVE the Steve Wilkos show... That should speak for itself.
Alright, now for the important part of the show. I have a few websites that are wonderful for new parents. They are jam packed full of great advice from doctors, nurses, and other people that seem like they're important. I'm going to list these even though I'll bet that no one else will go look at them. WHY, because we're Americans, and Americans don't give a crap about anything. But, here they are anyway:
www.healthychildren.org
www.kellymom.com
www.purplecrying.info
www.peewee.com/
These are fantastic sources for people (like myself) that are morons when it comes to being a new parent.
Well, hopefully you've learned a valuable lesson today, and if you haven't been paying attention like the rest of the class, here's a recap.
The South = Bad
The City of Richland = Bad
Stealing The City of Richland's roses that you've been paying for = Good
The Steve Wilkos Show = Awesome
The word of the day = CRANKY....
See you next time.
bye bye.
you're cute...
I love you.
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