Remember when I told you that XAVI had just gotten his shots? Remember that? I said that he had been crying? Remember? Anyone? Anyone? Anyone remember that? Okay, so that's where we'll start up again. One of the nicknames that I gave XAVI a couple weeks ago is "Colonel Mustard". I'm sure you're smart enough to figure out why I gave him this nickname, but for all of the people reading this that are slow on the uptake, I was talking about his diaper goo. Well anyway, XAVI got his shots yesterday, so coupled with that and the pain medicine called acetaminophen (TYLENOL), his new nickname is Mr. Green. The poor guy feels like crap.
Speaking of crap, here's a tidbit of knowledge that I'll pass along to all of you "About to Give Birthers" out there. If you're planning on an outing, make sure you change your baby BEFORE you leave. Without fail, your baby WILL poop right when you're strapping him into the car seat. He'll also poop while you're driving, and he'll poop again when you get there. Get used to it. This is your life... Enjoy...
My life is drastically different than what it used to be like. I went to college. I have FOUR "ALMOST" degrees... Let me explain. I went to a junior college first. That's where I learned how to pay attention in class. Then I went to Seattle where I did some stuff... Then I went to a REAL college, where I learned how to do some more stuff. At any rate, I went to college, but I left school with 1 quarter left toward my REAL degree to move to NYC... I tell people that I have this degree, be cause I ALMOST do... Now, here's where the lies truly begin. (This is hard to follow, so hang in there). If I finished this degree, I would truly have 2 degrees. I have 1 year left on my teaching degree, and that would make 3 degrees. So I ALMOST have the teaching degree as well. Then I'm only about 2 years away from my MASTERS degree. I ALMOST have that one too. So after all of these little white lies, there's the BIG one. The F dash dash dash lie... Neurosurgeon... This is the one that I flaunt on my resume.
Do I lie on my resume? Hell yes I lie.
Here's me at a McDonalds interview.
Them: So, it says here that you have 17 college degrees and that you are a Neurosurgeon. Why do you want to work for Mcdonalds?
Me: I like to work with people and I love your egg McMuffins
Them: You seem a little overqualified for this position
Me: I'm really not. I'm just a regular person. I'm just like you.
Them: Thanks for stopping by, we'll be making our calls back in the next month. If you don't hear from us, that means we aren't going to hire you.
Anyway,
I'm probably best suited to be a stay at home dad. It's what i was born to be! The real world sucks. I'll tell you what else sucks. Swaddling a baby. For all of the other Noobs out there, swaddling is wrapping a baby up to look like a burrito to keep them warm. I am TERRIBLE at it! XAVI ends up looking like a saggy, floppy, baby seal, plastic bag, mummy by the time I'm done. I'll tell you another thing I'm bad at. Grooming him. Marisa pokes and prods, wipes, washes, cleans cracks and crevices, pulls little pieces of lint off of his hair, etc... I can barely do this on myself. It's wild. You know what else? I found out that the baby's bellybutton is all black and nasty for a month or so. The umbilical cord is cut off when he's born, they stick this clamp on it, and it turns stinky and gooey. I guess the dad's job is to clean this area and to yank the sucker off of his body when it's ready to drop off. Gross.
Speaking of Gross, have you seen that Ugly guy on the ARBY'S commercials?
Anyone? Anyone? Anyone seen this? It's like, out of the bajillion, bazillion people that are roaming the planet on any given day, and they chose THIS guy. Gross. It's worse than having to watch Christina Aguilera on her hit show, "THE VOICE". Gross.
Speaking of gross, if you are a new dad, EXPECT THAT YOUR CLOTHES ARE GOING TO SMELL LIKE ROTTEN MILK.
I'm just learning that babies spit up used milk when you hold them, so make sure you remember to grab a vomit rag.
I think XAVI is going to be a lot like Ferris Bueller when he grows up. I'm not sure why I have this feeling, but i do. I think it's because I'm like George McFly, and the opposite of me would be Ferris Bueller. I'll talk about why I'm like George McFly on my next blog.
Thanks for tuning in.
You funny man Wolfgang.
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