Legends of the Fault

(NOTE) For maximum relief, this post should be read in the voice of One Stab, the Indian slash Native American guy from Legends of the Fall.


I think this is my third day as a stay at home dad, but I'm not sure... I am an old man. I cannot remember the day, but i think it's the moon of the falling leaves. 
It's either that or the moon of the red grass.
Anyway, 
So today i realized that when I'm changing XAVI's diapers, it looks almost exactly like a Jason Bourne fight scene. There are all sorts of super fast moves and dodges, sound effects, and even theme music. He's kicking and flailing around like a dog that's just been hit by a car, and I'm trying to hold up his butt so he doesn't smear his "stinky" all over his changing table. He's kicking me and trying to put his hands down in the yellow/orange pumpkin juice that he just left in his diaper. If I'm lucky i can avoid being peed on before he lets fly. After he's all cleaned up i have to try to get a new diaper on him. This is the part where he thinks he's DESH from Bourne Ultimatum. It's quite the dance between the two of us. A huge battle erupts, but I quickly remind him that DESH loses in that movie... He immediately gives up so that he can have his bottle... He's pretty smart. 


Speaking of smart, I used to really hate when people would talk about their kids. I HATED IT!!! They were ALWAYS bragging about how smart their kids were, or how they could do this or that, or how adorable they were. In fact, I had only met ONE unbelievably awesome kid up until XAVI was born. This little girl could do sign language, give pounds (knuckle bumps), Told cops to "GO EAT A DOUGHNUT", etc...Totally awesome, right?. she was 4 months old or something like that... It was amazing. I'm an old man. I cannot remember their name, but I think they were born in the summer of the forest fire...


Well, Now I get it! Now I understand why parents talk about their kids all the time. It starts when they first come out. "OHHHH, LOOOK!!!! HE'S BAWLING HIS EYES OUT!!! HOWWWW CUUUUUUUUUTE"! It just snowballs from there. "OHHHHH, HE JUST TOOK HIS FIRST ENORMOUS DOODY, HE'S BAWLING HIS EYES OUT!!! HOW CUUUUUUUUUTE!" I could go on and on with these, but then people would stop reading my blog... Parents don't want to miss a single thing. We love our kids. They really are awesome and worth all of the fussing.


Let's change gears. Here is a helpful "stay at home dad" hint for all of you new poppas out there.


When you're heating up a 5 oz. bottle of momma magic, don't accidently press 30 minutes on the microwave instead of 30 seconds. You will look like a huge, embarrassing failure. 


Let's change gears again. 


I'm an old man. I don't know what year I was born, but it was in the winter of the absolutely terrible mother...


XAVI is lucky! HIS mother is truly incredible! When Marisa was 9 months pregnant, she did things like hike 4.4 miles up a mountain. I have to take 12 Advil to even get out of bed in the morning... She did her entire labor without taking ANY medication. She didn't yell, scream, shout, curse, punch me, or anything close to what you'd see in the movies. She didn't even cry. No whimpers. No Ouch it hurts. NOTHING!!!. Here are a list of things I continually complain about because I'm in severe pain.
1. Hands
2. Wrists
3. Knees
4. Hips
5. Back
6. Muscles
7. Hemorrhoids
8. Butt aches from sitting too long
9. Toothaches 
10. Itchy Eyes
11. Itchy feet
12. Scratchy nose
13. Difficulty breathing, Difficulty Swallowing, Numb lips, Fingernail sensitivity


Oh wait! That last one was from What About Bob.
Now I'm just screwing around. 


I'll write something of substance next time.  

Brad Pitt? More like Dad Pitt!

There's a butt load of stuff to talk about, so let's just get down to business. Apparently as soon as your extremely, insanely HOT wife has a baby, other people suddenly think that YOU are a "Beefcake Studasaurus with a side of OMG I Wanna Piece of That"... Single men, take note! If you want the opposite sex to want you like never before, get a baby. Who cares how you acquire said baby, just get one. Hang around with it, play with it, genuinely love it. Who cares if it's the ugliest baby of all time, just grab one. Single men don't have a brain, so i never understood this concept until I got married and Marisa agreed to have sex with me. When XAVI came along i was unprepared for the amount of attention that I get. People that thought i was a huge douche bag before hand, are somehow under the impression that i have become awesome... This is true!!! I can now walk into a room and WHAM, I've suddenly become Brad Pitt! But in all honesty, the best i can pull off is a really fat Christian Slater look alike. 


Anyway...


So today is my second day as a stay at home dad. I watched the entire Band of Brothers box set and during that time i figured out that Bobby Pins are great for cleaning out your baby's nose. So far i've learned quite a bit... I think the number one thing i've learned is that your baby doesn't want you. He wants his mother. He won't look at you, and if he does glance at you, he'll give you the stink eye. He won't smile at you. He won't make cute noises. He'll frown. All day long. Your sweet, little bundle of joy, your clone, will frown. Even if you do the Elmo voice, he'll want his mom. He'll also tell you that you're dumb. "You don't have foody boobs, you're dumb". Yes,.. i said foody boobs. One thing that you catch yourself doing is making up new nicknames for your baby. Oh Bubba, stop crying, momma will be home soon. Oh Bubby, stop crying, momma will be home soon. Oh, Pops or Poppa,  stop crying, momma will be home soon. Oh Little Man, stop crying, momma will be home soon.
You get the point.


Here's some FACTS about my boy:


XAVI's  full name is always capitalized, and if you think you're gonna get away with lower case letters, YOU'D BETTER THINK AGAIN.
XAVI has been able to roll over from his back to his belly for about a month now, which means, i always have to watch him. He also can scoot clear across our huge, ugly, green and yellow flowered, grotesque, disgusting, flower printed, Great Dane stank, Thrift store couch. He's pretty athletic, which is funny, because his parents just sit on the couch and eat apple crisp. 
XAVI always poops while he's in his Bunny Bouncer. 


Here are some FACTS about myself:


I LOVE my wife and my baby.
I suck at putting XAVI's clothes on.
I might start painting for fun again in the near future, but we'll see. 
AND most importantly,
The FAT, Brad Pitt/Christian Slater "stay at home dad", sure is a sexy beast.

My First Day

Yesterday was my first day as a stay at home dad. When we first got pregnant, we were hoping that Marisa could finally relax a bit from her job as a high powered lawyer, but when MY job fell through, i turned into Mr. Mom. Wait, I've been watching too much Law and Order. Marisa is an enormously underpaid Store Manager of a Gazillion, Bazillion dollar a year coffee chain that will remain nameless. Anyway, as i was saying, before i was so rudely interrupted, I have taken on the role of stay at home dad, which is extremely exciting. Yesterday, our 2 month old boy, we'll call him XAVI, because that's his real name, had 3,184 dirty diapers. I've changed some dirty diapers before, but this time he was showing me his extreme disapproval of mum going back to work. Yes he served me up an all you can handle bonanza of his best mustard soup. I knew that staying at home with a newborn would probably be the hardest thing I've ever done.  I mean, i figured it was going to be tough. Mainly because I'm a guy...The hard part is that I don't have boobs that produce milk...The other hard part is that I can't get anything done, like laundry or the dishes. Just plain forget about mowing the lawn, exercising, showering, or taking a good long man poo. No wonder dads make their kids mow the lawn, rake leaves, go shopping with their mothers, spend their Saturdays doing chores, or helping old people move, go sing at nursing homes, make them be in choir or be on the drill team, or Maybe on the flag team or run cross country if they are really bad....yes,
Dads are paying their children back.